Monday, August 07, 2006

"This Isn't Crenshaw!"

You got that right honey. It's the Retarded Bachelor! "Lord, Please Forgive Me for Whooping That Bitch Ass," is a line uttered within 10 minutes of the new season of Flavor of Love. You will never see this kind of stuff on Average Joe or The Bachelor, and that's the tragic beauty of not only Flavor of Love, but the entire lineup on Celebreality the cornerstone of VH1's Sunday night lineup. As much as I refer to Rock Star Supernova as a trainwreck, I may have to come up with another phrase because Flavor of Love is the ultimate trainwreck, for sure.

Flavor's boomeranged himself back into the spectrum of "entertainment" by fully embracing his status as a celebrity reality show staple and running with it. The best part of Flavor is not his penchant for large clocks as neckwear, but his ability to be part of anything no matter how ridiculous the concept. Now I thought his role on Surreal Life was funny like most people, but did he really warrant a show with Bridgette Neilsen exploring their clearly fake romance? Nope. But for some reason, I watched week in week out to see that spectacle with my own eyes. Following his break up with Rocky's ex, Flavor took part in a Bachelor rip-off that became the highest rated show in the history of VH1. So even if he found true love with Hoopz last year...I had a feeling that he would be back in the saddle for another go round with the ladies. The man is a shooting star at 47 and needs to grab on tight and ride that shit to the moon.

My personal favorite part of this year's season opener was not the fight early on that lead to some ghetto fabulous female boxer wannabe getting tossed for assaulting another contestant over bed selection, nor was it the chick taking a dump on the floor which will become fodder for weeks on The Soup and Best Week Ever. Nope, my favorite part is when Flav names the girls and gropes them in the process. Flav's assessment of the girls leads to wildly misspelled and sometimes hilarious names like Choclat, Krazey, Buckwild and Mike Tyson for the poor girl with a lisp.

I sincerely hope that Flavor Flav finds true love this year. And by handpicking the ladies himself I think he has a good shot, and by the looks of it a wide palette of tastes (the only thing missing is an Iraqi girl with a booty) when it comes to the ladies. Even if he doesn't find "the one" he will no doubt bring lunacy to your living room week after week.

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