POISON SCOOTER

Rock Star Recap

Plundering to new abyssmal depths this week, the genius idea for the contestants to go "unplugged" exposed us the viewing audience just how average the talent pool is on this show. Usually the guys and dolls get to hide behind a thundering house band of talented musicians but this week they were front and center destroying familiar title after familiar title. Storm Large couldn't muster any enthusiasm for I Will Survive, but then again who can since Cake turned that song into an anthem of irony. Both Lukas and Ryan tried to spin something new and it only kind of worked. Lukas tried to make the Spiderman song Hero sound somewhat edgy vs. pop rocky and Ryan made In the Air Tonight seem like a Ryan Adams meets Radiohead interpretation. Both were by far the strongest of the night and that's not saying much.

The Cuban lass I loathe to loathe got to do an original and wisely appealed to the spanish speaking audience by belting out a snoozer in her native tongue. Dilana reversed sex roles for Cat's In The Cradle and it didn't work for me...it's a song sung by a man about men shit. The rest of the crew just flat out blew ass chunks, so I'm going to forego a litany of critiques.

Oh, here's the best part of tonight's kick off show. We got to see Supernova play an original tune with one lucky contestant (Dilana was the selection this week in what will be an ongoing feature on the show). And guess what? Supernova sucks. Yep, as predicted the music these clowns will create will be unlistenable. Although slightly more listenable than hearing the Cuban sing ANYTHING.

Speaking of the Cuban, Zyira? was once again in the bottom three and again sucked it up choosing to perform a song no one knows...wise move honey. Patrice also faced the chopping block for the millionth time and butchered Celebrity Skin by Hole, making me nervous that Ms. Cuba will live to see another week. Patrice doesn't understand how to pick songs that fit her range as a singer and as a result always sounds terrible. And as Joolie pointed out to me this week, she looks 15 years older than she probably is which isn't going to sell records to horny losers....the Supernova target market. Magni rounded out the top three but didn't even seem bothered by the slight knowing full well he wasn't going anywhere this week. His choice to sing Creep a week after Lukas did it was bothersome to me however. And not because it's my signature Karoake song, but because he appeared to be saying to Lukas, "I can do that song better." And the reality was that he was not better than Lukas. So fuck him and his bald Icelandic head.

Thankfully the night ended on a good night and the bane of my existence finally, finally, finally got the boot. Bye you pathetic English mangling retard. Week after week of your lunacy will be missed, but your pathetic performances will not. Z's dead baby.

posted by Scooter @ 6:08 PM